Beside Her.

Seventeen

2011-04-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

I remember when I used to believe in things. When magic was possible, when God was real, and love didn't just exist in movies. A part of me wants to think I still believe but then apart of me feels nothing. Sunday was Easter. I went to church and watched as the congregation sang and praised the Lord and I wondered "What happened to me?" When did I stop feeling? When did I stop believing in God? To explain, it's not that I'm not sure (double negative) God exist because I'm positive there's some greater being up there that created me. What I've lost belief in is his power. I've lost belief in the fact that he can change me and I was made for a reason.

I used to believe that if I tried hard enough I could create miracles. And if I tried hard enough, maybe someone would love me. But instead I'm stuck in this continuous loop or nothingness. I'm sure there's some greater purpose for all the events in my life but what that is I have no idea. It's sad to look back on my last post (which was approximately 2 or 3 years ago) and realize nothing has changed. I. Am. A. Failure.

It's getting worse...

2010-02-15T18:47:00.000-08:00

It really is, and by "it" i mean my patience and hatred for everything around me (mainly my family). Everything they do, they say, just everything about their presence makes me sick, and angry. Sick and fucking angry at them for being alive. It's wrong, I know. Yet, I can't help it! It's getting worse!

I have dreams of living alone, cleaning up my own messes. I mean I actually have dreams about CLEANING! I dream of waking up in a quiet house whenever I feel like it. Deciding "I think I'll walk today", or "maybe I'll take a long bath", I dream of making food just for myself, and going out to the store to buy the things I WANT to buy and not thinking about what everyone else might need or want. I dream of being independent and if I want to invite over a friend to stay the night I will, and I wont have to answer to anyone. These are the kind of dreams I've been having lately. Not sex dreams, not dreams of a magical world, no dreams of being alone and fully independent! Where I don't talk to people if I don't want to, and I'm not being asked questions 24/7 and being told what to do. And maybe one day this picture will be filled with a significant other, and together we'll live happily in our 1 bed and 1 bath apartment, and buy what we need, go where we want, and do what we feel.

On a completely different note, something else is also getting worse. This "something else" just so happens to be the relationship I have with Best Friend #1. When I say "Best Friend #1", I don't mean she's my number 1 best friend, it just means she was my first best friend. ANYWAYS, I realize, I don't know her anymore. I no longer know this girl, and she's not my best friend. She's just a girl I keep holding on to, because of what we had in the past.

I always talk about how the people I care about don't care about me. I'm just the party friend! But alot of times I don't treat the people I say I care about very well. I find that I ignore them, and don't seem to care about what they want or need. But I think I've only become this way because of the way I've been treated by the people I care about. So now I project my past feelings of hurt on the people around me.

There's a quote from the movie "The Last Kiss", I don't remember the exact wording, but I think it goes something like this: "What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love is what matters. It's the only thing that counts." There's a lot of truth in that quote. It really doesn't matter how I feel when it comes to treating others right, it only matters how I act towards them when they're here. If I don't shape up and stop "it" and "something else" from getting worse then I will probably live a very lonely life.

let me have a life that matters:

2010-02-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

" I do not want to be defined by a single substance, an obsession or a mislead decision, but instead by the quality of my being. Not only by the things I do, but by how well I do them. By the impact I've left on society, and the creations I've made, let my legacy show that my life was more than the sum of its parts."

-Nicholle Ortiz

retard;butler;sex

2010-01-18T23:37:00.000-08:00

What does a retarded kid, tits, Gerard Butler, Avatar, sex, drugs and rock&roll, all have in common? They all relate to the random occurrences that have taken place with in the last few days of my life.

We'll start off on Friday. Now the true beginning probably would be early January, late December, but I've decided to start here. Friday. Friday was the day I decided to tell on a mental kid in my class. I was going to report him for writing profanities about me on his arms, looking at my tits, and just all around being a perv. Now he's not completely mental. Trust me, he knows what he's doing is wrong. He's more so...socially retarded. If you've never had a complete creepy man (or woman) stare at your boobies all class period and write things about them on their arms, then you are truly missing out on a joyus occasion. After this nasty little boy eye raped me, I felt gross. I just felt like a disgusting human being. I would have dreams where he'd try to kiss me, or he'd be really close to me and I'd have to stare at every pore on my face...I felt repulsed and as if this was my fault. Yet, what was even more repulsing was that for the few moments I caught him staring at my breast, I felt good. I felt wanted. I'd never gotten attention like that from a male before and I felt good. Of course right after that good feeling I wanted to puke, but for those two seconds I felt like I wasn't just the fat girl in the corner, I was better, and someone wanted me. I guess being wanted by someone was better than not being wanted at all.

As the weekend continued I began remembering the good feeling I had when the retarded boy looked at me with lust, and the horrible feeling after. I was truly ashamed of myself, and really surprised at how much I longed for male attention. To brighten my mood I decided upon watching The Ugly Truth. When feeling down there's nothing like watching raunchy, sex filled movies, were the word "cock" is basically used as an everyday greeting.

While enjoying my filthy pleasure, I was stricken by Gerard Butler. The dashing, dirty, blue eyed, Scottish man. When I laid my eyes on him I wanted him. I wanted him naked, covered with butter and slamming me against a wall. I wanted him to pin my arms down as he whispered dirty things in my ear in that deep Scottish accent of his. As I rolled my tongue back into my mouth and finished my X-rated fantasy I realized lusting over men I'll never get was dumb. It was fun, oh boy was it fun, but it was dumb. Dreaming of how much I wanted Gerard Butlers "cock" (that ones for you, The Ugly Truth...) wouldn't make me happy. Celebrities, most likely, will always remain just that, celebrities. Until I was a renown actress, my dreams of fucking most of the male celebrity population would have to be put on pause. I needed someone real, and someone fast, before I became anymore desperate. My hope of God dropping an amazing man from the heavens above wasn't practical. If I wanted someone then I had to go out and get them. I'm sure its the way God intended anyways.

While the weekend sally forthed, I saw Avatar. Another nut-busting good movie. If it wasn't past 12 AM I'd give a complete review, but because I' m pressured on time I'll get right down to the point. Playing the main Avatar and solider, Jack Sully, was Sam Worthington. Again I had a "Gerard Butler" moment (which is what I think I'll call it for now on) where I envisioned myself being pleasured by this darling young actor. To make me even more pathetic I even pictured being an avatar myself so I could enjoy the 15 second sex scene with him. Not only did I realize I was lonely, but I also realized I'm extremely horny! A horny, lonely, overweight teenage girl. Really, ya can't get any better than that. There I was in the theater, with my over active imagination producing threesomes with Gerard Butler, Sam Worthington and I. I nearly missed the half the movie, getting hot and bothered over the pretend world at which I live in.

I'm looking at the time in the right hand corner of my screen. It reads: 12:23. I have school tomorrow. I'm not quite sure how to end this post. I usually end with something witty, or thoughtful, but no, today I'll leave you all with the thought of my inactive vagina, my lonely heart, and my overactive imagination, and one word to sum up my weekend: fuck.

obscurity

2009-12-20T02:41:00.001-08:00

When I used to go to church every Sunday I remember always feeling bad because I couldn't focus during the sermons or classes. I would always zone out and at the end feel like a "fake christian". As I think back on it one Sunday in particular lingers in my mind.

The regular pastor was sick, or on vacation, I don't know! But he wasn't there, and we had a guest preacher. He was really into the sermon and yelling more than he probably should have, but as I was zoned out I suddenly came back into contact with the human world and heard him shout about the youth of today. He started to talk about teenagers now a days, waking up purposeless and living day to day with no path or future.

For some reason or another that stuck with me and always stung, and till this day I can still remember the man marching across the stage with his head held high, as if he smelled something bad, and looking directly at me as my mind was somewhere else, and I felt like he was talking solely to me. Maybe its because he was preaching just for me. Maybe he knew something I didn't know at that time, maybe he knew one day I'd become a mindless teen drone whose greatest dream is becoming famous and saying obscure things to a camera, maybe he knew I'd spend my nights up late and sleeping till 3pm, maybe he knew I'd grow up feeling hopeless and confused.

"It doesn't hurt me..."

2009-12-15T23:20:00.000-08:00

I started the day praying it had snowed that night before, or the street would have frozen over. I turned on my TV awaiting the large SCHOOL DELAYED sign and...nothing. One delay, nowhere near my school. Once I was finished cursing the fates, I got ready for school. But as I was ready to go, my stomach was not.

I felt a rumbling south of my tummy and quickly I ran to the bathroom. Rapidemente! i had diarrhea, which prevented me from going to school and quickly cured up after some pepto bismol and 5 hrs of extra sleep.

And that brings me here. For some reason the song "Running up that hill" by Placebo (Originally by Kate Bush. whose do you prefer?) became stuck in my head. When songs like this begin to play in my head they're usually followed by a playlist of similar songs roughly creating a mood for my entire day. The song made me sad in a way, but not the usual sad. More like an eye opening sad. The type of saddnes I get often, where I think and question everything. Where I'm in awe of people and the universe.

This song reminded me of love. Not just the fact that I'm not in love, but the acknowledgement and amazment that its out there. And the fact that I know its out there, and it makes me excited.
Thats when I started to imagine the different emotions that love can give a person, emotions I'm sure I've never felt before. Not to mention, the song meaning. If I only could, make a deal with God. Get him to swap our places. I understood it to mean that this person you love is going through a horrible time and you want to switch places with them so they can be at peace. I've never felt compelled by another human being to do something like that.

thankful

2009-11-26T01:18:00.000-08:00

It's late right now, 1:18. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I probably should be snoozing in my bed, but I am not. I just wanted to make a quick little update. Just a quickie, on basically where I stand in my life. My birthday just so happens to be next Wednesday, and for all you who do not know, I'll be 16. It's crazy because when I looked forward to my 16th birthday it always involved money, cars, flashy parties, celebrities, blah blah blah. But now that I'm here, now that I'm almost the age, that material stuff isn't even important. I don't care what I get for my birthday, its really more about how I've changed and who I choose to spend my time with.
If you've read any of my previous blogs you'd know how alone and sad I've been, for a very long time. And as you read through the older blogs you'll probably notice how immature I used to be, and just how I've grown over the years. These past months I've really matured, and grown as a human being. I've discovered that love is all around me and at this moment in my life I have more love surrounding me than ever before. I'm coming to terms with my past and realizing the possibilities that await me in the future.
I know I complain a lot but I do have a lot to be thankful for and this birthday Isn't what I planned, or what I initially wanted but It's what I need right now and whats best for me. I look forward to what awaits me after December 2nd, after I'm officially 16. How will the slight age difference change me further?

wednesday;

2009-10-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

Well I'll start off with a list of some good news. I just realized the last blog I posted was number 69. *wink wink*, I'm watching V for Vendetta, V words are the "illest", I'm pretty comfy, I just watched "I'm on a Boat" music video, Andy Samberg makes something tingle south of my belly button (I believe its called my VAGINA), I'm pretty, Andy Samberg's real name is David, I believe God is sending me a sign/message.

There's alot for me to say. But I'll start off with the contest. In the beginning of this month, El nueve de Octubre, to be exact, BudLight announced their Saturday Night Live contest. The prize was tickets for 2 to NYC and to watch Saturday Night Live well, live. And I want to win. Oh boy do I. When I think of it I feel as if I've already won, like the tickets are mine just not yet tangable. Which I guess is the feeling I need to have if I'm going to win this shit. It probably sounds insane, but I know if I believe hard enough I can achieve anything. That somehow the pure will power of me wanting something will allow me to ultimately get it. And I believe that insanity, completely.

Which brings me to my next topic of the evening, Andy Samberg. Yes, he may be just another celebrity that has stolen my heart, but really I feel like theres something different about him. I believe he's apart of the sign/message the good Lord is trying to send me. Apart of that message is, the name David. Now "what does the name David have to do with anything", you ask? I see it everywhere. David, David, David. Who the fuck is david? now there was David, my best friend's ex. (The man that flirted with me but said he was with her.)The David I claimed to love as soon as my other best friend found interest in him. The David that the girl from church has a crush on. The David on late night television. David is my brothers best friend. And David is Andy Sambergs real first name. And thats just to name a few that have currently affected me...I dont know what this name will mean to me/what it does mean. But soon I will discover the meaning behind it.

Going back to Andy Samberg...He is still with his girl friend. I know, just my luck. Life sucks ass. But Strangely this fact hasnt made me completely upset. At first yes, I was mad as hell. Even used God's name in vain. Truthfully now, I'm ok. His very unattractive current girlfriend, showed me that hes not all into looks like I believed him (and every other guy on earth) to be. No, he really looks on the inside of people. Which makes me wonder if he'll mind me being a plus sized lady?

To wrap things up... I dont know what God's plan for me is. I dont know where my life is going or even what the fuck is going on in the world. But I do know that I want to be in New York on January 15th 2010 and witness Saturday Night Live in person. I want to meet Andy Samberg and I will stop at nothing to achieve this dream. It's beyond a dream now, It's more than I want...its become a need. I NEED to do this. Not just because of the fact i want to be with Andy Samberg, not just because I want to see Saturday Night Live, but its because I need to get away, and I need something more than what I have now. I feel everything pulling me to New York.

enjoy the silence

2009-09-27T01:05:00.000-07:00

Are you fucking kidding me?! Really I just had the worst 5 hours of my life and I come home to watch this movie that was supposedly recording but no, I forgot to record it. And I'm not sure what it is but I feel like I've never been angrier than at this precise moment. Maybe it was my grandpa and mother talking shit about things they know NOTHING about? Maybe its that I'm just tired? Maybe once again I've just had enough with the world and my life and everything in it.

But I could be wrong. All I know is I've never felt like screaming more than right this moment. I open my mouth but nothing comes out and I'm sick of this fucking silence! I'm sick of not being able to make a peep and I don't want to be here anymore. I want to jump out the damn window, bang some pots, just anything to be heard!

Adding punctuation and grammar to everyday blogging;

2009-09-23T23:24:00.001-07:00

I'm suppose to be doing my homework. I'm looking to my right and I see that big blue book. "Algebra 2" oh how I HATE math. It kills me to see it sitting there touting me, how it gleams in the light of my lamp, I hate it. The more I stare at it the more the letters look like a large pair of eyes and the further away i am from completing my homework. It doesn't help much that I'm not even sure of what my homework IS, because I, like a fool, throw away the paper that told me my homework. If I was smart I would have saved my "get-out-of-school-free" card for such an occasion as this, but sadly I used it last Thursday when I didn't feel like getting out of bed. Foolish on my part.

Theres not a morning I don't feel like getting up. (And as I read the sentence I just wrote I realize its a double negative and even if it wasn't I'm sure it still wouldn't make sense. So let me try that again.) Never is there a morning that I'm joyful at the fact that I've awaken into the world. (There, thetas much better and I've even "fancied" it up for fun!) Each day I arise from my slumber to the startling and ear piercing sound of my alarm. If I'm not up in 10 minutes I hear a loud pounding from the floor, which is none other than my father. I can never find anything to be happy about, or look forward to, in my everyday life.

About 3 weeks ago I saw the movie " A Scanner Darkly", never mind what it was about, but there's this part where Keau Reeves' character talks about his house. His house is now this broken down piece of poo that him and his friends reside in. But he talks about how he used to have this great life, with a wife, a few kids, nice backyard, the house used to be this perfect suburban place. Then one day he realized he hated his life, everything had an order, everything was always the same day-in day-out and he couldn't take it. Now, he lives in this bug infested place, full of cracks and junk but each day is a surprise. Each day is new and real and unusual. And that's what my life reminds me of.

I've decided I don't want to do my algebra. I decided I don't want to attend school. I've decided that in the morning I can fake a major headache or something and get out of it. I guess its not good to miss so much school so often but I don't care. Evidently, I don't care about much lately...

reconciliation

2009-09-21T22:33:00.000-07:00

I guess i shouldnt be super surprised at my current discovery. But it pains me so that, I dont even know what the fuck to write. Truthfully i wasnt sure what my feelings for him were all this time. i was attracted to him, or maybe i was just attracted to the fact that he was a guy that was close to me and didnt treat me like a complete outsider. but its just surprising when the only guy who understands you, your best friend is gay. I still want to be there for him and love him no matter what but really something about my new knowledge of the present circumstances makes me want to leave. pack up and go. just get away for a while to take this all in because right now i cant deal with all this shit, and i know this is selfish on my part, but lord cant i just be selfish every once in a while? and its not just him thats caused me to want to leave, but its everything. EVERYTHING. and im not depressed but im not content either, im in this limbo mode where everything is dark, everything is cloudly and i cant seem to press through.

I'm just not happy and its affecting me more than it ever has and I know I said fuck the whole self loathing crap but this time its different, im not hating myself, im just in pain. and im reaching out for help. and i can see happiness in the distance, i can see it, its there and i know i'll get there soon but for now im hurting and i hate it.

the beginning of the end.

2009-09-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

masturbation,cutting,tears,thievery,drugs,alcohol. just a few of the things people will do to feel complete, to feel like theres someone who understands them. Theres a lot of things people wish for in life. we wish friends. we wish our parents to be different. but most of all we just wish there was someone who got what was happening with us. someone who could look at us and say we werent crazy. they know things are tough but they are there for us, they are proud of us, always. recently ive realized wishes dont just come true, especially by just sitting on my ass. hoping, and wishing, its all bullshit. you have a dream, you go for it. period. you chase that dream as far and hard as you can. just "wishing" something will happen, wont make it happen. you want something, you go get it. all these years, months, ive been waiting for someone to fall from the sky and tell me they cared about me, but thats just bullshit too, because things like that dont just happen! they dont, you've got to care about yourself before someone cares for you. i have to stop this self lothing crap and be something! be someone! and that goes for the rest of you out there. change starts with in yourself. so sometimes you just gotta floor it, go into life head first, balls out, all of nothing. fuck the rest!

lack of view

2009-08-20T04:43:00.000-07:00

i feel the need to be noticed. you know, how when you're in a crowd of people and you can still feel completely alone? thats how i feel all the time. people rarely see me, i just blend in but i always want to stand out. i always have had these dreams of being famous and i realize now its because i have this need to be heard. which is why i write this stupid blog. this dumb piece of crap that no one cares about.
now off to bed to drown in my sorrow(:

lust;love;want;need//rant

2009-07-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

it has come to my attention that a lot of my friends are lonely, as i am. maybe not AS lonely as me but they all seek male companionship. there seems to be a famine of good decent boys lately. not to mention everyone just seems, alone. plus ive noticed that my expectations, wants, and needs have increasingly changed over the past six months. before it was simple. i just wanted a guy that was cute and funny and would like me for me. and now i have all these crazy thoughts of marriage, and sex, and passion, and love. and i find myself not just wanting that normal highschool relationship where we're all about having fun. but instead i want something much deeper than that, and its crazy because im only 15 and stuff like that shouldnt matter so much right now, but it does. it matters A LOT. to top that all off im not even attracted to the boys my age. i seem to only be physically attracted to men 30+. thats even more insane! it seems like it could just be a faze but i've always been attracted to such older men just now im not in the least bit attracted to anyone younger. today another friend said she doesnt want to grow up, she just wants to be 16 forever, she doesnt want to get married and start a family. but i do. nothing sounds better to me than being in love, knowing you're not alone and theres a person who cares about you and wants to be with you. a person who will lie next to you every night and love you. and thats all thats on my mind 24/7 since i was 3. in my head i sound reallly fucked up and twisted but i dont care. i just need someone. something to remind me that its all worth it and each day i wake up and i dont have it im angry. i want someone to stop all the anger and the pain...and just...i dont know, shit.

good in moderations//789

2009-07-18T01:35:00.000-07:00

so the day got a little better. not saying my life is much better. im hoping to sleep now and not wake up. just live in my own little sleep world for eternity, where anything is possible and im happy all the time. where i can eat gumdrops all day, live in new york, and just stand in time square. where my vision of living in a top floor apartment will come true. where i love freely and am loved by many. where i have someone i can rely on and feel safe with. yes my own little sleep world...what a dream

this week collaborted into one blog

2009-07-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

created title, eh? anyways its fucking early in the morning and i've realized i have no one. not that i didnt notice before but now i REALLY realized i have no one. my friends are shit. people only like me because im that feel good friend who likes to have a good time but no one fucking knows me. and ive decided im tired of not being myself. well my whole self. so this blog will be comprised of all my feelings and emotions and thoughts from this last week and im not going to censor it because im fucking tired of trying/caring/ugh.

day one;sunday:
i missed church (yet again) because i was tired. i havent been for 3 weeks. i waited all day for my sister to come over or call because she cant come over and she didnt. this was just the start of me noticing people dont give a shit about me. shes suppose to be like my real best friend but she hadnt talked to me in weeks and even though she has more insight into my life than anyone else, she really doesnt know me at all.

day two;monday:
VBS has begun. which, if you dont know, means Vacation Bible School. which is a day camp at my church. anyways. i didnt talk much to anyone. i was tired, and awkward, and in no mood to be there. really a "i-woke-up-for-this?" day. i got the feeling that a boy helping out in arts and crafts liked me.

day three;tuesday:
summer school hell is upon me. you never really understand the meaning of cruel and unusual punishment until you've been shoved in a cramped room with everyone you hate and forced to stare at a computer that makes you feel dumb, for 2 and a half hours. they handed out a set of rules but all the rules were all the same except worded differently. for example

Classroom Rules

All the assignments need to be completed by August 7th
By August 7th all classroom work will be finished and turned in.

Enough said. then i had VBS again. woot. i was late and i didnt care. i came in with this whole "i-feel-hung-over" routine. hair messy, baggy clothes, sunglasses, energy drink in on hand. the whole shish cabos. the kids were rude but i still had a feeling the guy from arts and crafts was digging me

day four;wedensday:
summer school blah. VBS i was late again. and overly irritated again. ive realized that i am slowly loosing my ablity to find any joy in life. every thing irritates me. the boy in VBS who was overly competitve, the stupid fucking songs we sang everyday, my mother, my family in general, the noise the fan makes, the stupid loud people outside my window, and those fucking birds swaking at 5am. i really hate everything and im always grumping and life is this horrible pit of emptiness. and at 15 i shouldnt be this angry. and just people witnessing to me about jesus upsets me to no end. which is really wrong because i know hes real and i just desperately want to believe...believe in something. and i started to think that maybe i mistook the boy from crafts extreme friendliness for him liking me. (oh and i had my friends bday party were i seemed awkward the whole time and there was a cute waiter at THE RAM who kept calling me "friend" but i was too nervous to talk to him. blahhh)

day five;thursday:
summer school, more productive(: VBS i wasnt late! and idk i had fun. well more fun than usual. well fun meaning, it wasnt completely dreadful. i watched some movies with paul rudd that i thought would make me happy but they all kinda sucked. but one of the movies "the Oh in Ohio" gave me the idea to name my vagina Valeri. isnt that a pretty name? i crashed on my bed by 8. Woke up at 1am thinking paul rudd was laying at the end of my bed.

day six;friday;today:
not much has happened yet, except i learned that i need to put a lot more work into summer school if im going to finish all my work by August 7th. And which gets me back to why i decided to make this blog in the 1st place. i realized that none of my friends tell me anything. they really dont tell me shit about their lives and they dont give a shit about mine. especially my best friends. i only call them my best friends because i enjoy talking to them about nothing, and doing random shit with them. but when it comes down to it they dont give a fuck about me and i can be easily replaced to them. and it really hurts me because i know that, thats how everyone else feels too. everyone else in my life. and no one knows me. i dont have that one person i can tell shit to. that one person who knows what to do when im pissed off or that one person i can have a comfortable silence with. that one person who really gets my humor and will talk about stuff like sex with me. and CARES about what i have to say... i dont have that person and i feel like its crucial in my life. in ANYONES life. if i was to die today no one would know me. half the people ive met wont remember my name and i wouldnt have left any mark on society. really what would people do if i was to leave them today?

fierce people

2009-07-12T21:12:00.000-07:00

in the movie fierce people the ending lines were "We are the sum of everyone we meet. Change the tribe and the tribe changes you" or something like that. The whole movie was about the different people this 15 year old boy encounters and how they all affect his life. After seeing the movie twice I really see what he means. "We are the sum of everyone we meet" I cant get that line out of my head. I've encountered so many different people through out my existence and i realized that I borrow a quality from each of them. For example lately I've had a mild obsession with the actor Paul Rudd. I feel like I've obtained his humor/sarcasm. Or my best friend. I took her randomness. My sister, her attitude. My male best friend, his "orgasmic" personality. The Jonas Brothers, their fashion sense... I'm the sum of all these individuals I've meet or seen in the past. Whether you know it or not you are inspired/affected by everyone you come into contact with.

last chance of the day/to satisfy my lonely heart

2009-06-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

I'm jealous. Green with envy. I guess I've felt this way for a while but now I really cant do anything, She really likes him, she tells me. Well I really like him too. But She really likes him...shes my best friend. She can't get him off of her mind...neither can I. But I'm never the friend that gets him in the end. I'm not that friend. I'm the friend that hooks HIM up with her friend. I'm the girl left in the crowd the girl sitting out on the porch with her gazillion cats listening to my friend have sex with the man who will give her ORANGE JUICE in the middle of an orgasm (dont ask cause I dont know). It just hurts. A lot. Shes just like me... but the prettier, skinnier, version, and as much as the people around me deny it, its true and you cant tell me differently. This proves it. She has more experience, shes better with guys, she can just go up and talk to them and flirt. I'm not so lucky. I go up and talk to them and we become good "buddies".

I had this whole plan worked out. I was gonna get my hair fixed, get a brand new dress and come to this Band Banquet thing looking like a million bucks. Our eyes would meet, and instantly he'd fall for me. And everything would turn out ok. But thats all shot to hell. Not that any of it would have worked...just my little fantasy.

To top it all off I have been asked out by a guy for the first time but a guy I dont want.A guy who thinks I'm this girl...that I'm not at all and I'm sure once he knew that he wouldnt want anything to do with me. I guess its my fault cause I've been leading him on but its all just because I'm lonely. I feel a little better when I see a text message that says something sweet and to know someone out there actually cares about me. But not the right person...

For once I just want that guy. Thats all. Just for once I want to be the lucky one...I want it to be me, not them, not her, but me. But once again life has screwed me over.

addition//together we will live forever//thoughts

2009-05-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

We all want something more. Something distant yet tangible. We feel empty inside and really all we want is to feel complete. To feel whole.

Everyday I watch these movies and shows advertising what I want, or what I think I want but really I dont know. I dont know anything and thats a horrible feeling to just not know what you want. or what you feel or need. To do the same things day after day and have no purpose or meaning to it. To just live because you're living.

Everyone tells me I can find what I want/ what I need in God but I almost dont want to believe it. I want to think theres some more complicated thing I have to do to feel complete, that I have to find my other half, my better half. And that I cant just find it in religion, that I have to go out and let fate show me who I'm suppose to spend the rest of my life with so this loneliness will go away. So I wont have to cry every night.

I feel like theres some complicated thing I have to go through to find someone who will love me for me and love me forever. And if i do find this person and it doesnt work out my life will be over. There would be nothing else for me to live for. But like always Im over complicating EVERYTHING maybe everything is just as simple as putting my faith in God. Believing that when the times right he will show me this better half, this person who I'll spend my life with. Yet theres always this uncertainty and dont you hate that? I can never FULLY put my faith in something, I always have to doubt it.

The doubt I create always puts me back to square one.

no God?

2009-05-13T13:20:00.000-07:00

I've figured out that alot of my friends dont believe in God. It kind of hurts cause I dont see how people can be so oblivious. Nothing would make sense if a higher power didnt exist. What point is there to living if you have nothing to live for? With out a god i dont see the purpose in life. Chew on that[period]

together we will live forever;

2009-05-12T00:20:00.000-07:00

Truth is I always enjoyed writing because it was this made up thing. This make-believe adventure. I could take any situation in my life and change it, change it to what I wanted it to be. What i needed it to be. Writing was like a lie...but not a bad lie. The type of lie that you can create and feel satisfied after. When I would write I'd believe that lie as if it were reality.

There's still that sliver of hope in my mind that tells me all those stories, all those lies, were real. That at the end of the day life wont be this black hole, that there will be more there. At the end of the day anything can be possible and anything will happen.

In my mind love will always find its way, its always tangible we just have to take that leap. That leap of faith that even though love will be hard, it will hurt, its worth it in the end. In the end there's a meaning to it all. There's a method to this madness and a rhythm to this beat. This madness that we are all dying for. That feeling of completion [period]

sex dream;

2009-05-03T23:52:00.001-07:00

i will probably regret writing this blog (incase my brother or other family members happen to read it) but i thought id share it with you all.

See I have a BAD memory. Well...a selective memory. I can remember few things but theyre usually random weird things. Recently I was looking through my dvd's and I found the movie Van Helsing. Thats when I realized Hugh Jackson was the main character who i recently saw in xmen origins. (he was SMOKING hot). ANYWAYS. this all reminded me of basically the first sex dream I had (at least the first that I can remember). It was with me and Hugh Jackman in a dark apartment room. Back when I had the dream I doubt I even knew how to actually have sex ( im a slow learner) but I remember in my dream there was alot of passionate kissing and naked bodies being rubbed together under the sheets (which is basically was I thought sex was). It just all seems funny to me. I still continue to have sex dreams...but its funny to look back and remember who it all started with. Hugh Jackman(:

how dare she,

2009-04-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

how dare my mother come to me and try to preach to me about how I'm not living my life RIGHT! I was so shocked at first because she has no right to ever tell me I'm living wrong because 1.)she doesnt even KNOW me. 2.)her life is pretty effed up 3.)shes not much of a mother in the first place!

I told my mom I didnt want to listen to the christian radio station because the song SUCKED. not the message but the overall song was blah. So then she tells me "You're not living you're life according to the bible...blah blah...you have messed up values...yadda yadda...you have a weird perception of life" how does she even know!! Then she tells me that my brother lives his life according to the bible. And it just all really pissed me off because it proved all my theories about how my parents are always trying to be self righteous and think through it all my brothers the only one whos really got it right. My brother's the one whos still in college, hes still a virgin, and still looks after his family. I believe its because he is afraid to let go. I'm not afraid and that, i guess, is being perceived as me not living for Jesus.

Its not like I care what my parents think...but really how dare she. She also went on to accuse me of texting DURING service but I never do, I couldnt dream of it. I take notes in service and what is she doing? gossiping with my father and her friends. So before she gets on my case she needs to check herself...

imagineer that!

2009-04-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

" Power to the people who punish bad Cinema!" - Stephen Dorff, Cecil B Demented.
Demented forever...I've never seen the movie, but it just seems like one of those movies that mean something. A movie with substance even if everyone doesnt understand what that is.

And yet substance is the one thing I dont have in my life...reason...substance...meaning. Although I have hope. hope that it will all turn around. Hope that theres more out there then just this. Just this day to day living. Wake up. School. Gym. Computer. Sleep. Wake up. School. Gym. Computer. Sleep. Whats the point?

felon;

2009-04-14T00:23:00.000-07:00

right now im in the middle of the movie "Felon" (and it keeps freezing so I'm waiting for it to start up again) Its starring Stephen Dorff (which is one of the sexiest men ALIVE! i love him) and hes stuck in prison for accidentally killing a man that broke into his house. Its the crazy all the mess he goes through when hes actually an innocent man!! and it shows him talking to his wife behind the glass wall thingy and hes so excited to just see her face, its sad. i bet theres hundreds of guys like this stuck in prison...
It doesnt help any that the guards in the jail are all pieces of sh*t and like their jobs because they get to beat on prisoners for no reason. Theres this guard who is taking out all his pain and anger on Stephen when Stephen hasnt dont anything to him! Oh my gosh...this movie is way too much for me to take! Its now 12:35. I'm dying wondering whats going to happen next. I have school in the morning. I wrote a stupid half baked blog. and i hear my dad coming...

easter/bunnies/rents/jesus

2009-04-12T01:14:00.000-07:00

If it wasnt for today being the lords resurrection, id hate easter. Why you ask? Because its full of dressing up, getting up at 7am, eating breakfast with a bunch of people who glare at you for being different and think to themselves " im so holier than tho", its full of dinners with your family then dinners with you more distant family, and its full of alot of time that you dont spend with God the real creator of this holiday.

Whats even worse is this year my parents are putting up this whole front trying to be all self rightous and talking to me about things that they dont even care about but feel they have to bring up. Example one: My mother and I visited the elderly at a nurseing home today, to pass out book marks and calendars from our church. I didnt want to go in the first place but when I got their I had fun. It made me happy seeing all these people accept our gifts and i could just tell that they felt cared for. But I didnt want to participate much because 1. i was kinda out of it and tired 2. old people kinda freak me out. they smell like death 3. im not good at talking to the senior citizens I get confused and cant hear what theyre saying and just stand their looking dumb when they ask me a question. Of course my mother took my non-participation as "you need to be more involved in the church!" then she goes on telling me about how i "used to be so outgoing and talkative" which i am but not around older people. i dont know. I get shy. then when we're done she asked me to pray out loud. I hate doing that. I fear each moment that I have to pray outloud. In my head and alone I can find the perfect words, but infront of other I get confused. I prayed anyways but, in a shaky voice and i messed up and made sure its a real short prayer. But then my mother proceeds to say " you used to be soo good praying out loud! you need to be more involved in church" but she doesnt say it normal voice, no, she says it in that " im-so-disappointed-in-you-and-i-wish-you-werent-my-daughter" tone.

Example 2: i was busy all day hanging with my sister trying to get my nails and hair done then she had to do some crap for her boyfriend ahh long day and I get home at 12 something. My mom says my pops has been complaining about how i need to be ready for church! i HAVE to be at church! I'm always out late on saturdays when i need to study for church. and he does this every sunday. he makes church out to be some kind of punishment and if i miss one sunday or I'm late God will smite me. I hate it. and if he had a problem with me being out late...um cell phones were invented in the late 80s. Call me?

I'm just tired of all the fuss people are putting up about easter. And theyre not even fussing over the right things. Stop trying to make everything perfect for God, stop trying to make everyone perfect for God! He will take us as we are and as long as we spend the day praising him and acknowledging his death and resurrection then im sure he wont mind if everything thing is perfect.

(and i didnt even get to dye the eggs for the easter bunny...what a dumb tradition.)

...seems so small:

2009-04-09T23:18:00.000-07:00

its funny how the little things in life can make you smile.
like rolling in my blankets,
hanging up new posters,
tapping my pencil to a previous beat i heard,
dancing down a hallway as people stare,
my collection of polariod cameras,
a smile,
taking a deep breath,
knowing i have absolutely nothing i need to do,
being free,
trying to hum even though i cant,
trying to whistle even though i cant,
dreaming,
standing in a empty field,
skipping,
standing in the street with my arms out and my head back waiting for the rain...

the small things in life that matter. the things that inspire the other things. the things that make you smile...just funny...

follow me

2009-04-04T02:47:00.000-07:00

follow me day by day.
minute by minute/see what im doing when im not writing blogs.
http://twitter.com/whateverfred
follow me(:

roses are red...violets are blue...

2009-03-24T22:10:00.000-07:00

You know the expression "Stop and smell the roses"? In reality theres no time to do that! I feel like my nose is clogged up and I'm on a non-stop bus to Africa. The flowers are just breezing by me but no matter what I do I cant smell a single pedal. I just dont have time. I'm in a hurry this week to finish all my work. I'm failing. Failing out of two classes. Every thing's attacking me at once. I am a small cub being bamboozled by the hyenas. Now I'm looking back on everything and realizing This is life. This sucks. And I hate school.

I always go through the "I hate school faze" but really I dont want to wake up and attend school. I dont want to wake up and do anything! I just want to sit here and die. I just want to be excited and happy. Cant I have something to look forward to in life. I'm just doing things because...and thats not good enough for me. Counting the days till summer...

what i like about you

2009-03-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

I want to be happy, and with someone who wants to be with me. I want to find someone I can fight and argue with. Some one I can hate but love. Someone who makes my heart flutter everytime I see them. I've seen so many love stories, read all the book and I just want to be happy. Maybe it wont happen right now. Or tomorrow or even this year...but soon. I want to find my Edward Cullen (twilight), my Ryan Attwood(the oc), my Seth Cohen(the oc), my Sandy Cohen(the oc),my Noah Calhoun(the notebook), my Vince(what i like about you.) I just want to feel that passion and caring for soemone else, and have them feel it for me. To have them pull me close to their chest, look straight into my eyes touch their lips to mine and say "I love you".
Maybe someday...

empty;holes;

2009-03-04T17:55:00.000-08:00

I'm mad. REALLY mad. I'm not sure how to describ this anger that lurks inside of me. I guess you could say I want to punch a hole in the wall and keep punching holes in the walls until i see the deep red blood pour down my hand and the many hollow, empty holes scattered across my room. As good of a metephor as any, little graphic though but thats how i feel.

I called her 8 times. EIGHT TIMES. have you ever called anyone 8 times? I guess it sounds crazy to call someone 8 times but i guess i am a little insane at this point. I just want to be happy and not care...and at this point i shouldnt care. But I just cant stop caring bout family like that, just cant.
(i dont expect you to understand any of this. doesnt matter if you do or not.)

something pretty

2009-02-22T22:34:00.001-08:00

If you haven't noticed, all my blogs lately have had titles that don't relate to what I'm talking about AT ALL. So let me explain. I've been naming them by the different songs I've been listening to lately. So if you happened to be confused dont fret! But i do advise you check out the songs because they're BRILLIANT!

On that note, the weekends over. I've been having amazing dreams bout the O.C. Staying up late texting craziness to my friend Cindy. Just made me think of how great summer is. How much i can't wait for school to end. I have fabulous visions of the summer and it will be grand(:

distinguished adjectives used: brilliant,amazing,fabulous, grand

title and registration

2009-02-20T16:57:00.000-08:00

my lips are always dry. lately its been really bad. i keep nibbling down on them and i can feel the pain. sore, worn, torn, wrinkled. i almost want to bite harder till i taste the blood.

i just watched the Secret Life of the Bees. Wow...amazing movie. Compelling and, i want to say painful, but im not sure how to describe it. it made me feel emotions i havent felt in quite sometime.

hallelujah

2009-02-18T16:34:00.000-08:00

Noun-
; a shout of joy, praise, or gratitude.
Interjection-
; praise ye the Lord!

Haven't been to school in 3 days. I never want to go back. I like being at home. I feel like here, in my room, i can find myself. maybe beneath the papers covering my floor, maybe in the piles of dvds i own or the books stacked it the corner. Im not sure but i feel like some how, im finding myself.

This weekend i flipped. I ripped down the many posters camouflaging my walls, the things i once knew and loved. I ripped them all down threw them away...and felt better. I stood on my bed just starring at the empty walls and i smiled. Time to redefine myself.

When i was younger my family and I went to Florida. We stayed in a rental home for about a week. My mom loved Florida sooo much that she wanted to live there. She called up a realitor and everything so we could find a house in that area. But when my mom told me about moving I begged and pleaded for us not to move. Then i remember when we came back home I cried. I cried and cried because I missed florida. Everything about it...for weeks I cried. I felt home sick even though I was at home. I'll always remember that. I wonder how my life would have been different if we stayed in Florida.

weekend;

2009-02-08T16:42:00.000-08:00

I spent my weekend watching season 3 reruns of the o.c. (which has now become a small obsession of mine), and wishing i was the type of kid to smoke pot, drink hard liquor and party but besides that its all good. the overly dramatic aspect of the show made me think of the undramatic aspect of my life. Maybe a little drama to spruce up my life would be good?
And im sick. Yes. I feel like a hard boiled egg...have you ever felt like that? Well...I cant explain it at all, but its a horrible feeling. I hope you never feel like this. My nose is stuffy my throat hurts. I feel like Im dying...but hey i cant complain too much.
I am also highly fascinated with the human body lately.
But all in all...good weekend. Lifes moving too fast. Ugh.

new concept

2009-02-01T01:18:00.000-08:00

the villain is my mom.
her fuel is anger.
her verdict is death.

no one stands between her and what she wants. and no one dare question her.
i call her Sleepless Distemper. There's no getting out of her way once shes started, oh no!
When she starts up, her rage takes over and she charges furiously with her rotten words as she lays in her fortress of solitude. Her bed.
She watches and stares as we sneak down the hallways trying to avoid her maniacal gaze, but we cant. She always finds what we haven't accomplished that day.
What we have done wrong.
nothing is good enough. nothing. So enough has been said.

the first of the most

2009-01-22T19:03:00.001-08:00

I look around my room and notice it does not express me. It doesnt reflect me. Who i am. I look around and see the humble remains of an overly obsessed 13 yr old girl...left behind by a troubled past and a speedy get away. I used to look at my walls and smile. Because it was, everything i was, it was what i wanted, believed in, it was me. Note to self: Redecorate.
The past week has been hectic. Finals. I dont wanna talk bout it.
Boys? you ask? well...dont wanna talk bout it either(but if i was to talk about it id say i went to my crushes house yesterday *swoon* I had alot of fun...but it was kinda a wake up sign that said "you can never be more than friends..." which is probably true. there goes my negative self again...)
life has been what its been. and i cant complain.
-nicholle

The Ten

2009-01-16T21:09:00.000-08:00

I'll make this short. It was a dumb movie. I found myself constantly asking "When is this gonna get funny?" From the beginning I could tell it was gonna be stupid but i hung in there all the way till the end...(which is more than I can say for the movies "undertow" and "into the wild."but more bout that later) The only remotely entertaining part was when this guy bought himself a cat scan machine, (yes a cat scan machine.) and his neighbor envied it so he bought one. So they kept going back and forth trying to buy more cat scan machines then the other guy. Adam Brody was in like the first 10 mins of the film incase thats all u wanna see... and the cat scan thing was like towards the end.
I'll be back to normal blogs hopefully soon. sorry.

Thank You for Smoking.

2009-01-15T22:04:00.000-08:00

Where do I even start? I found myself rooting for who may just be the bad guy. In reality everyone would have Nick Naylor would have been considered the enemy. Selling cigarettes to teens...promoting something that kills others. But how I see it...i guess theres really no right and wrong. For the sake of argument theres things people can considered just flat out wrong. But truthfully I dont see how everything can just have a simple meaning like that. The world can be black and white...except we color in the blanks. We the people scribble over what society essentially puts in our minds. And we create our own way...maybe it doesnt work that way for everyone, but for me it sure does...
Back to the main idea. The movie. It was great. One of my favorites. I found myself laughing at the randomest things. Adam Brody? You ask? Well....he was great! Although he was also only in a smalll roll (as most of the people in the movie were) he played it VERY well.
The true star was of course Aaron Eckhart (the dark knight,no reservations,etc) who played the character of Nick Naylor. Nick spoke on the behalf of tabacco companies and did a hell of a job. as he said, Michael Jordan plays ball. Charles Manson kills people. He talks.

Smiley Face(:

2009-01-10T01:42:00.000-08:00

Basically...Smiley Face is a movie...about a girl who...is a stoner. She wakes up one morning and gets high. When shes high she gets the munchies and eats her roommates cup cakes...which have even MORE pot in them. Her dealer (Adam Brody)comes by and wants his money that she owes him. Then She remembers she has an acting audition to be at. Basically she has to get to her auditon by 11:30. Make new cup cakes before her roommate gets home. Pay off the dealer by 3. Oh and pay off the electric bill...all while being emensly high and running into more trouble along the way...
hm...what would I say about this movie? it was fun. I almost wanted there to be a sequal so more craziness would happen. I wanted more of Adam Brody in the movie...since he played a small part...but besides that it was great. (:
I recommend it...but i dont recommend getting high...or the same crap that happens to her will happen to you!!
so next movie up is "into the wild" which has kristen stewart in it... then "undertow" hoot! i cant wait!

cold creek manor.

2009-01-07T23:13:00.000-08:00

so...again I only watched this movie because there was kristen stewart in it. Who really didnt play a very big role... The movie was er...disappointing I guess...I thought it would be more of a thriller. From the beginning I already could tell the secret of cold creek manor. Who the killer was and what not... It needed a bettter plot. I enjoyed looking at the killers abs though. lol. there were countless times where his shirt was just BAM off. I felt myself feeling more pitty for him than anything else... He was cute and was done wrong... I woulda flipped and killed people too. (: Anywho...Im stuck on this thing... this thing where I try to watch every movie with kristen stewart as a main role. So next I'm onto the movie " under tow" then the movie " into the wild" and...after that Im going into adam brody movies. First up for that is "smiley face" then after is "thank you for smoking" I find this to be very exciting and fun. lol. Back in '07 I had a mad crush on Bruce willis so i tried to watch every movie he was in...and i almost did it. Except a few minor movies... and idk...I learn alot. Movies are...amazing. welp thats all...pretty suck egg blog, eh? psh sorry....i'll have a decent one up soon.
-nicholle o

in the land of women

2009-01-05T23:01:00.000-08:00

Once in a while a movie comes along that changes your point of view...how you feel..just...i guess changes you. Now i recently saw the movie "in the land of women" i know what ur thinking. DUMB. which is what i thought too when i first saw previews for it...and really the only reason i watched it was because it had kirstin stewart in it (twilight,speak,panic room...just to name a few). Then when i started watching it...i didnt want to stop. I didnt want it to end...im not sure what was so inspiring about it...but it...made me wanna live. i know what your thinking, yet again...DUMB. well maybe a movie has never mad you feel like this...but maybe something you read. or saw. or heard...just something that made you wanna really...live.
so to help you understand...the movie is about a 26 yr old boy, carter, who gets dumped by his girlfriend. He wants to get away from his life for a little so he decides to move in with his grandma and and help take care of her. While staying there he mets this mother and her two daughter and becomes greatly attached to them. and he helps show them what....life means again. and he learns not to take anything for granted because...when you least expect it...it could all be gone.
Its just a great story about really finding yourself and finding your way back to love even if it seems lost. From beginning to end it taught me something...and I fell in love with it.
well...i thought id just share something that touched my heart lately....
-nicholle o

im right. yet im wrong, come on lord!

2008-12-11T00:19:00.000-08:00

So.
I told myself to pretend he doesnt have a girlfriend. Just pretend. Because if he likes me then surely enough he must not really have feelings for her? So maybe they're close to breaking up! Right? And if I kept on doing what I was doing then when they did break up Id be ready to jump in!
It all seemed like the perfect plan in my head. Carefully calculated(well in my mind it was). I didnt see anything wrong with it. Yet the back of my mind (the very FAR back) said "stop. its dumb. give up." but hey the back of my mind is just negative. It cant always be right!
Yet again I was wrong. Yet I was right.... I just went on myspace (by the way:
www.myspace.com/luvyahsalwayz) and i looked at his picture. Him.Holding.Hands.With.A.Girl. Although I felt myself saying "aww" before "gag" which is usually the different. Now he has a whole album dedicated to him and his oh so "wonderful" girlfriend. Even a border on his main page saying the date they got together.
Now Im thinking...wtf? really? SERIOUSLY?! am I that blind? or just dumb out of luck? which i beleive its a mixture of both. I almost feel the urge to give up on guys. or just love in general. I always have this other thing towards the front of my head which is hope...and even when i know I should give up sometimes hope prevales and thats what happened this time.
I felt the sudden urge to tell him how I actually feel....but Id rather not...If he really loves his girlfriend he should go for it! keep on keeping on. as my grandpa would say. although I dont really know its meaning. Im guessing it means "keep going" but then again why doesnt he just say that?? why does he feel the urge (which i guess is my new favorite word for the night?) to say meaningless jabber?
anyways. the hope towards the front of my mind says "maybe hes confused about his relationship? maybe he does like you but he still has feelings for his girlfriend. he wants to be with you but just doesnt know what to do. hes doubting his relationship and for some reason feels the need to stay in it. so he quickly posted all that jazz to remind him self of his true girlfriend." and for some reason i feel that would be a good thing for me.
but hey...im still thinking being a lesbo would be easier...

alot of a little.

2008-12-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

so i have quite a lot to say in quite a short amount of time. its 3:47 now...first off i have a new crush. forget the old guy. blah. bleh. boo. and he likes me to. (: but he has a girl friend *extremely sad face.that i can not express with "keys"*
so this does happen 2 me quite often! and im not sure why.
i cant even explain how happy i felt this morning. (: i was smiling. i was so happy to just be IN class.
till i wrote the boys best friend telling her i liked him and....she said "i think hes still with his girlfriend, but aww thats adorable!" blah.
so i thought there was still a chance she was wrong...
nope.
not at all.
i have to consider all that i know about my life.
how the little voice in the back of my head is always right.
and that voice said "hes taken. sorry. but you knew it was too good to be true..."
so why even hope for it to be different...
thats my life.
as sad and freaking annoying as that is...

3:50...
so next topic.
depressing friends.
ever have a friend that was consistently bringing you down?
with their "i hate my life attitude." and their "i want to kill my self daily but dont because i dont feel like it." presence?
if u havent...God has been good to you.
but i have one. one thats been my bff since 1st grade.
and i CANT stand it!
i never noticed or cared before but now i do!
shes always dragging me down!
even now when im sad shes just annoying me!
i love her to death but for goodness sakes can she get some depression medicare??
i want her to seee the world can be beautiful if u look at from a different angle.
not that noting in ur life will change.
3:53.
i made good time.
now i can take a nap! (:

just words that come off the top of my head.

2008-12-04T23:06:00.001-08:00

He doesn't understand. I need this gray sweater shirt. Yes, it is his sweatshirt, but I need every piece of him i can take. I cant bare to be away from him. So yes, to him its just a dumb gray sweat shirt his sister got him for Christmas....but to me its a section of his heart he gladly handed to me.

I wear it whenever i can,wash it when needed. Its my comfort zone. My shelter. My loyal golden retriever always wrapped around me, happy to be in my possession. Its him.

"come on. just throw it out." he tells me. "i'll buy you a new one!" he hates how often i wear it. He hates how worn it looks. But i love it. How the sleeves embrass my body when im cold...love it gives me when im alone. How it always smells like him. A sweet musky boyish smell. Its him. All of him. And he's mine....

(no these words mean nothing to me. if i was ever in love. if i ever felt that caring for another person in my soul i would want it to feel like this. i would want it to taste like this. sound like this. look like this. feel like this. but this....its all just words. nothing more nothing less. and words arent love.)

well that was a doozy....

2008-10-11T21:53:00.001-07:00

so it all comes down to the final answer.....DOES HE LIKE ME? wow...i gulped up my fear and said "um i kinda like u." and we've been going back and forth talking...but the real question that needs to be answered is... DOES HE LIKE ME? in the front and back of my mind i feel like i almost know what hes thinking...i can almost hear his voice in my head. all that back and forth stuff "oh ur mom would kill me....oh id go to jail..." was all his way of saying "i dont like u...this wont work out...im sorry no" but then i just came out and asked "well do u like me?" i cant almost see him typing "um im sorry...i just....dont think of u that way...i hope we can still be friends?" ugh.... i feel it in my gut. he'll probably use almost those exact words. he's such a sweet guy. and i know he wouldnt wanna hurt my feelings...but how do u tell someone u dont like them with out making them feel completely rejected? if he doesnt like me...hey its ok. im not gonna go out and make a big deal of it...cuz really i want him to be my friend... but i do really like this boy. and i wish soo badly he'll feel the same. but if not i'll just add him onto that list of "GUYS WHO HAVE REJECTED ME SINCE 3RD GRADE AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'LL NEVER HAVE A BOYFRIEND(and doubt i'll even get married)" which is quite a few... lord, what have i gotten myself into...?

cold feet.

2008-10-10T02:36:00.001-07:00

yes my feet are extremely cold. so cold that im sure words could not describe it. all day my feet have been immensely cold. (and im almost positive im not using that word correctly) i guess it started when i feel asleep with my feet infront of a fan. now it feels like that fan follows me.... not only are my toes and heels ice...but im also having "cold feet" about telling this guy how i really feel bout him... this has never been a strong point of mine! truthfully id rather go on liking him from a distance with out him ever knowing....then to go through this horror of actually telling him the truth. More than less ive always messed up this part. this part makes me hate guys at times and consider being a lesbo. ha. but ive come to realize this part is necessary in life. never gonna get anywhere unless i tell people how i feel...right? i kept telling myself "oh if he asks me 'do u like me?' i'll just come right out and tell him the truth! show some confidence!!" ugh....but no he had to ask me all strange..."is there something u need to tell me..." wtf!? thats....ugh....what am i gonna say? "yes..." then just leave it for him to say "well what?" and kinda drag it out as long as i can? or say "um no? should i have something to say?" which would totally ruin any chance of him liking me.... wow...to some girls this comes natural. to me it takes ALOT of work.
i hope i can get over this feeling of cold feet....both literally and metaphorically.

boys?

2008-08-23T01:20:00.000-07:00

hmm...such a weird species... God only knows why they're so dumb and complicated...
God only knows why, when you meet a boy you like, he's stuck in your mind all day....
Im gonna keep this short because its late...but really.....boy....hmm....i am boy crazy.
ALL THE TIME. They're never off my mind...
[stupid.dumb.pointless. is how i'd describe this blog post. sorry.but boys are all thats in my head right now...ugh.]

Dear Mom,

2008-08-11T00:05:00.001-07:00

Dear Mom,

Right now I'm in my room trying to think of times when we used to have fun together. When we used to be able to hang out and not argue... every memory i've thought of is when I was younger.Now that im older i feel like i can understand things better. I can see more. All the fights with dad...fights with my sister...i never got it. I used to hide away scared that id never see one of you guys again. All the death threats...all the violence.... arguments, put downs, yelling, screaming, hatred...i let it get to me. Some nights I would cry myself to sleep.... now i wont let you have that power over me.
I feel like you try to hurt me. Like you want me to feel bitter and hurt inside. I try to hide how i feel with my sarcasm with my quick come backs. But what you dont see is inside youre killing me! You dont see that everytime you do this to me.....every time you treat me like shit, you bring me down even further... you break me...
I try to be tough. I dont want anyone to see my hurting... but you dont know how close ive been to running away. How close ive been to killing myself. You make me hate you. I want you to hug me and say "i love you" i want you to care about me!!!
I just want you to be a mom! For once in your life! Give up your hatred. Give up your pain inside. Give up your all that built up inside you. And just care about yourself! Care about me! Please....Please...

- Nicholle O. ( Theres are all the words i want to tell my mom....What i want to write to her. What i wish she could see....but...know she'll never know...)

dumb update

2008-07-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

Welp...summer continues... and my boredom continues....
theres nothing for me to do... last month i was READY for new exciting things....ready for this summer to change me....but nope nope.
I spend my time laying around the house. Listen to my parents argue and complain...watch my brother play video games... talk 2 random people online... yea not my idea of a fun summer.
Not at all what i was expecting...
so if youre reading this and ur in the neighborhood...lets hang out!
Entertain me. Make me smile.
emal me: nicholle209@gmail.com

-nicholle o (aka nikki)

2008-06-22T16:35:00.000-07:00

Its not really like anyone reads these pointless blogs....
but still i guess it feels good to let out whatever im feeling...

well school is finally out. If you happened to read my last blog then you know how bad i was waiting for it to end. now i feel relief each time i think "hey monday's tommorow!" cause i know i dont have to wake up at 7am. and i dont have to do my homework. or be prepared for some dumb test thats worth half my grade. Instead i can relax. I can lay down on my bed and be happy that i truthfully have nothing at all to do....
but then its not always great to have nothing at all to do.
this summer i want to be worth wild. I want it to mean something. it just started... and i want there to be more to it then being lazy all summer!
I want to go places. see things...
lately i've been thinking about me. and who am i? really...i have no idea.... im lost in this large planet. just another speck on a globe. and i want to be more than that.
this summer...i wanna find me. i wanna know "who will i be" ( camp rock song by demi lovato if you didnt know... )
Im gonna stand up and shout " This is me (another camp rock song. by wonderful demi ) world!" Just shout at the top of my lungs! " HERE I AM!" (camp rock song by Renee Sandstrom i know...im obsessed with the movie )

-nicholle ortiz

so...school...

2008-05-07T21:38:00.001-07:00

i dunno where to start... guess i could start out with saying i believe my school is killing me. Well maybe not literally but its killing my soul. HA! that probably sounds LAME but its the truth. i dread each morning i have to wake up. i spend the majority of class trying to focus on something besides the teacher because i fear that i'll just snap and attack! the thing that gets me most is math.... algebra to be exact... i hate it. i have no idea WHAT THE HECK is going on... and if i was to ask a question i wouldnt know where to start. in this particular class i actually TRY TO PAY ATTENTION but it really ISNT WORKING! i take notes, listen, but when i go back i have no idea what the heck i just did... maybe its because math doesnt really interest me at all... i look, listen but it all just flies past me and through one ear and ( as the saying goes ) out the other.... so tomorrow another wonderful day of algebra awaits me... but all i feel is anxiety and agony. Is school suppose to be this stressful?? i dont think school was invented to freak children out and make them feel like killing themselves every single day they go... if i already feel this bad in middle school... how am i even gonna deal with high school?? *gulp* not good...

Blogging...

2008-04-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

Yea... I'm a little more into blogging now. Go figure... nothing much is happening in my life. I didnt go to school today ( hehe), i have a project due tomorrow. Something like you have to create a poster about yourself but you're suppose to portray something your not... i have no idea what to do. And its already 7:42. Most of the day is over... I am what I am... How am I suppose to think of something Im not? I like to be preppy... I like to be a rocker... I like to be gangster.... you cant label " me". I think this project is a bunch of crap! Oh well... I'll make it work.

Today I was reading a jonas brothers fanfiction... and it made me a giddy on the inside. I dunno why... I guess it just made me think! Lol. But seriously... the writter was truly amazing and really made me feel like I really knew them... hehe. It maybe Im just stupid... but I really love reading stories that really draw me into the story and plot! Ever found a book that you just cant put down? Well thats how I felt. Amazing... I hope one day people will feel like that with my stories. Maybe people will enjoy then and fall in love with the story like I did with that one... Welp all for now... I gotta eat dinner then do that dang project! BLAH!

!Update!

2008-04-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

Ok so I havent posted anything in like.... months.... maybe a year I dunno! but its been a hecka long time! So i'm gonna give you a little update on my life! :) I'm 14 now... so ya... im a little older... lol. my birthday would probably go up on my list of the top 3 worst days ever... dont ask... my new obsession is the jonas brothers. hehe. and i think the longest celebrity crush i've ever had is now Nick Jonas. Which i think is awesome!! :D he's like the perfect guy. I passionately hate school, and where i live. I just feel so tired of it all! I want something different! im tired of being stressed and bored... and want something exciting and adventurous to happy!! but so far nothing.... still praying for it though....

I think im going though some weird faze... or maybe its just that im a "teenager," but i dont get along with my mom at all.... we argue everyday.... i get upset very easily lately and i've been having deep thoughts about life and i question alot of things i do and things that happen around me.... im not sure whats going on with me.... just seems like no one understands me.... and i hope that one day i'll just find someone who gets me! ya know?? and theres no better feeling in the world to be "gotten"....

3 somethings made a big difference....

2008-01-25T21:52:00.000-08:00

You think you have everything figured out. Your future... who you are....your whole life. But then you hear something that really changes who you thought you were. For me it was 3 somethings. 3 wonderful somethings. 3 somethings who have over the period of 6 months changed my whole view on life. They've made me believe and for once in my life know that theres something more out there. Something more then I ever knew. For my whole life I've been standing still inbetween these empty walls. But now I've opened my eyes and looked past that. I'm beginning to awaken and be me. Im jumping, Im singing, Im screaming my lungs out and it feels good! Im not letting people hold me back. Cause I know in the end everything will change. I was born to make a difference. I know it. Just wait and see. For the first time Im actually living, and these 3 somethings helped me to see that.... So to those 3 somthings I owe my life. Because they've given me a reason to wake up in the morning and be proud of who I am. And theres no better feeling then to know you have a purpose and mean something...no better feeling...

- Nicholle O ( AKA Nikki )

You Dont Even Know

2007-11-23T11:36:00.001-08:00

You dont even know- By Jonas Brothers

Please Be Mine....

2007-09-30T15:12:00.000-07:00

I wish I could have been there for you when it was tough. And I wish I could be there for you now. I'm not like everyone else. I wish you'd know that and put that in your heart. I'll be there forever...Till the end of time. I just want to say Please Be Mine. I cant stop the rain from falling, I cant stop my heart from calling you. I know you always hear this... but please be mine. Understand I'm a normal person who's feelings can get hurt and Im not gonna say I love you and marry me. All I want is to be with you... Those girls come and go but I'll be there forever... I will not disappoint you... just please be mine.....

Cellar Door

2007-06-30T10:35:00.001-07:00

A famous writer once said out of all the sounds, words and phases in the english language Celler Door was the most beautiful. Even more beautiful then...well the word beautiful. Now I dont understand why anyone would say such a thing was beautiful. When I think of a cellar door I think of cold. Hard. heartless. I dont think of beautiful. Now. Take away the definition. Dont think about it. But think of the sound. Or just think of all the different meanings he could of had for it. All that makes the word....beautiful. It takes a wide mind to think of that. To look pass all the explaintions for the word. All the definisions. And think of the sound the letters...it amazes me. Not many people can do that! Just thinking of what those two words could have meant to him makes me cry. I wish I could think pass all the of that. Think pass the outer shell of life. Maybe pass all that I'll find something wonderful. Something beautiful. Something that could actuall mean something. Instead of this cold, hard, heartless world we live in now.

Nicholle Ortiz

"Most English-speaking people...will admit that cellar door is 'beautiful', especially if dissociated from its sense (and from its spelling). More beautiful than, say, sky, and far more beautiful than beautiful. Well then, in Welsh for me cellar doors are extraordinarily frequent, and moving to the higher dimension, the words in which there is pleasure in the contemplation of the association of form and sense are abundant." - J.R.R. Toliken

One Day...

2007-06-28T14:19:00.000-07:00

One day
By:Nichollle Ortiz

One day you'll read this. One day when I'm dead and gone.
One day you'll know all my feelings. One day you'll read all my songs.
One day once I leave you.

One day you'll know my true love. All of my hugs.
One day...

I pray one day. You'll share this with the world.
You'll share how passionate I was. How large my heart.

One day I hope I wont care what anyone thinks of me.
Instead I'll care that they know what I thought of them.

When i die I pray that you'll all be with me in heaven.
I'll pray that everynight.

One day when i leave you all and my light will
shine bright... one day when i leave you i hope you'll remember me too...

Yippee Ki Yay Mo - John 6:27

2007-06-24T23:17:00.000-07:00

Well I love to watch Die hard Movies. I'm a HUGE fan! and I've been watching comercials for the new one coming out. Live Free or Die Hard. And I've noticed how ever where they put John 6:27. Now this confused me. They always wrote Yippee Ki Yay Mo - John 6:27. The movie comes out on June 27th. And the main character is John Mclane. But why would they write it like that? So I looked up the verse John 6:27. And I got this " But don't be so concerned about perishable things like food. Spend your energy seeking the eternal life that the song of man can give you. For God the Father has given me the seal of his approval."

Im not sure what that has to do with the movie...but its a great verse. And it amazes me that they'd add something like that to advertise their movie. I hope other people notice this, and decide to look it up on the internet or in their Bibles. Maybe a little thing like that can help others. But Im still puzzled about why....

My Eyes

2007-03-01T19:28:00.000-08:00

My Eyes
By Nicholle Ortiz

Look into my eyes what do you see?
A girl who Lost all of her Dreams?
Somebody who needs to Find a new name.
So no one will ever call her the same.

Lost in the darkness nowhere to go.
I don't want to go home,
I'd rather live in the snow.

Look into my eyes what do you see?
Someone who only wants Happiness for me?
Im Tired of always helping my friends.
To get something that I want until the end.

But Sadly Happiness never find me.
It only finds the people who don't look and see .

Look into my Eyes what do you see?
Someone who will on day be Free.
So No More will I worry about the time to be.

Because my eyes will never lie.
And No more will I cry.
Because I know before I die
Happiness will someday find me.