I used to believe that if I tried hard enough I could create miracles. And if I tried hard enough, maybe someone would love me. But instead I'm stuck in this continuous loop or nothingness. I'm sure there's some greater purpose for all the events in my life but what that is I have no idea. It's sad to look back on my last post (which was approximately 2 or 3 years ago) and realize nothing has changed. I. Am. A. Failure.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Seventeen
I remember when I used to believe in things. When magic was possible, when God was real, and love didn't just exist in movies. A part of me wants to think I still believe but then apart of me feels nothing. Sunday was Easter. I went to church and watched as the congregation sang and praised the Lord and I wondered "What happened to me?" When did I stop feeling? When did I stop believing in God? To explain, it's not that I'm not sure (double negative) God exist because I'm positive there's some greater being up there that created me. What I've lost belief in is his power. I've lost belief in the fact that he can change me and I was made for a reason.
Monday, February 15, 2010
It's getting worse...
It really is, and by "it" i mean my patience and hatred for everything around me (mainly my family). Everything they do, they say, just everything about their presence makes me sick, and angry. Sick and fucking angry at them for being alive. It's wrong, I know. Yet, I can't help it! It's getting worse!
I have dreams of living alone, cleaning up my own messes. I mean I actually have dreams about CLEANING! I dream of waking up in a quiet house whenever I feel like it. Deciding "I think I'll walk today", or "maybe I'll take a long bath", I dream of making food just for myself, and going out to the store to buy the things I WANT to buy and not thinking about what everyone else might need or want. I dream of being independent and if I want to invite over a friend to stay the night I will, and I wont have to answer to anyone. These are the kind of dreams I've been having lately. Not sex dreams, not dreams of a magical world, no dreams of being alone and fully independent! Where I don't talk to people if I don't want to, and I'm not being asked questions 24/7 and being told what to do. And maybe one day this picture will be filled with a significant other, and together we'll live happily in our 1 bed and 1 bath apartment, and buy what we need, go where we want, and do what we feel.
On a completely different note, something else is also getting worse. This "something else" just so happens to be the relationship I have with Best Friend #1. When I say "Best Friend #1", I don't mean she's my number 1 best friend, it just means she was my first best friend. ANYWAYS, I realize, I don't know her anymore. I no longer know this girl, and she's not my best friend. She's just a girl I keep holding on to, because of what we had in the past.
I always talk about how the people I care about don't care about me. I'm just the party friend! But alot of times I don't treat the people I say I care about very well. I find that I ignore them, and don't seem to care about what they want or need. But I think I've only become this way because of the way I've been treated by the people I care about. So now I project my past feelings of hurt on the people around me.
There's a quote from the movie "The Last Kiss", I don't remember the exact wording, but I think it goes something like this: "What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love is what matters. It's the only thing that counts." There's a lot of truth in that quote. It really doesn't matter how I feel when it comes to treating others right, it only matters how I act towards them when they're here. If I don't shape up and stop "it" and "something else" from getting worse then I will probably live a very lonely life.
I have dreams of living alone, cleaning up my own messes. I mean I actually have dreams about CLEANING! I dream of waking up in a quiet house whenever I feel like it. Deciding "I think I'll walk today", or "maybe I'll take a long bath", I dream of making food just for myself, and going out to the store to buy the things I WANT to buy and not thinking about what everyone else might need or want. I dream of being independent and if I want to invite over a friend to stay the night I will, and I wont have to answer to anyone. These are the kind of dreams I've been having lately. Not sex dreams, not dreams of a magical world, no dreams of being alone and fully independent! Where I don't talk to people if I don't want to, and I'm not being asked questions 24/7 and being told what to do. And maybe one day this picture will be filled with a significant other, and together we'll live happily in our 1 bed and 1 bath apartment, and buy what we need, go where we want, and do what we feel.
On a completely different note, something else is also getting worse. This "something else" just so happens to be the relationship I have with Best Friend #1. When I say "Best Friend #1", I don't mean she's my number 1 best friend, it just means she was my first best friend. ANYWAYS, I realize, I don't know her anymore. I no longer know this girl, and she's not my best friend. She's just a girl I keep holding on to, because of what we had in the past.
I always talk about how the people I care about don't care about me. I'm just the party friend! But alot of times I don't treat the people I say I care about very well. I find that I ignore them, and don't seem to care about what they want or need. But I think I've only become this way because of the way I've been treated by the people I care about. So now I project my past feelings of hurt on the people around me.
There's a quote from the movie "The Last Kiss", I don't remember the exact wording, but I think it goes something like this: "What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love is what matters. It's the only thing that counts." There's a lot of truth in that quote. It really doesn't matter how I feel when it comes to treating others right, it only matters how I act towards them when they're here. If I don't shape up and stop "it" and "something else" from getting worse then I will probably live a very lonely life.
Monday, February 1, 2010
let me have a life that matters:
" I do not want to be defined by a single substance, an obsession or a mislead decision, but instead by the quality of my being. Not only by the things I do, but by how well I do them. By the impact I've left on society, and the creations I've made, let my legacy show that my life was more than the sum of its parts."
-Nicholle Ortiz
-Nicholle Ortiz
Monday, January 18, 2010
retard;butler;sex
What does a retarded kid, tits, Gerard Butler, Avatar, sex, drugs and rock&roll, all have in common? They all relate to the random occurrences that have taken place with in the last few days of my life.
We'll start off on Friday. Now the true beginning probably would be early January, late December, but I've decided to start here. Friday. Friday was the day I decided to tell on a mental kid in my class. I was going to report him for writing profanities about me on his arms, looking at my tits, and just all around being a perv. Now he's not completely mental. Trust me, he knows what he's doing is wrong. He's more so...socially retarded. If you've never had a complete creepy man (or woman) stare at your boobies all class period and write things about them on their arms, then you are truly missing out on a joyus occasion. After this nasty little boy eye raped me, I felt gross. I just felt like a disgusting human being. I would have dreams where he'd try to kiss me, or he'd be really close to me and I'd have to stare at every pore on my face...I felt repulsed and as if this was my fault. Yet, what was even more repulsing was that for the few moments I caught him staring at my breast, I felt good. I felt wanted. I'd never gotten attention like that from a male before and I felt good. Of course right after that good feeling I wanted to puke, but for those two seconds I felt like I wasn't just the fat girl in the corner, I was better, and someone wanted me. I guess being wanted by someone was better than not being wanted at all.
As the weekend continued I began remembering the good feeling I had when the retarded boy looked at me with lust, and the horrible feeling after. I was truly ashamed of myself, and really surprised at how much I longed for male attention. To brighten my mood I decided upon watching The Ugly Truth. When feeling down there's nothing like watching raunchy, sex filled movies, were the word "cock" is basically used as an everyday greeting.
While enjoying my filthy pleasure, I was stricken by Gerard Butler. The dashing, dirty, blue eyed, Scottish man. When I laid my eyes on him I wanted him. I wanted him naked, covered with butter and slamming me against a wall. I wanted him to pin my arms down as he whispered dirty things in my ear in that deep Scottish accent of his. As I rolled my tongue back into my mouth and finished my X-rated fantasy I realized lusting over men I'll never get was dumb. It was fun, oh boy was it fun, but it was dumb. Dreaming of how much I wanted Gerard Butlers "cock" (that ones for you, The Ugly Truth...) wouldn't make me happy. Celebrities, most likely, will always remain just that, celebrities. Until I was a renown actress, my dreams of fucking most of the male celebrity population would have to be put on pause. I needed someone real, and someone fast, before I became anymore desperate. My hope of God dropping an amazing man from the heavens above wasn't practical. If I wanted someone then I had to go out and get them. I'm sure its the way God intended anyways.
While the weekend sally forthed, I saw Avatar. Another nut-busting good movie. If it wasn't past 12 AM I'd give a complete review, but because I' m pressured on time I'll get right down to the point. Playing the main Avatar and solider, Jack Sully, was Sam Worthington. Again I had a "Gerard Butler" moment (which is what I think I'll call it for now on) where I envisioned myself being pleasured by this darling young actor. To make me even more pathetic I even pictured being an avatar myself so I could enjoy the 15 second sex scene with him. Not only did I realize I was lonely, but I also realized I'm extremely horny! A horny, lonely, overweight teenage girl. Really, ya can't get any better than that. There I was in the theater, with my over active imagination producing threesomes with Gerard Butler, Sam Worthington and I. I nearly missed the half the movie, getting hot and bothered over the pretend world at which I live in.
I'm looking at the time in the right hand corner of my screen. It reads: 12:23. I have school tomorrow. I'm not quite sure how to end this post. I usually end with something witty, or thoughtful, but no, today I'll leave you all with the thought of my inactive vagina, my lonely heart, and my overactive imagination, and one word to sum up my weekend: fuck.
We'll start off on Friday. Now the true beginning probably would be early January, late December, but I've decided to start here. Friday. Friday was the day I decided to tell on a mental kid in my class. I was going to report him for writing profanities about me on his arms, looking at my tits, and just all around being a perv. Now he's not completely mental. Trust me, he knows what he's doing is wrong. He's more so...socially retarded. If you've never had a complete creepy man (or woman) stare at your boobies all class period and write things about them on their arms, then you are truly missing out on a joyus occasion. After this nasty little boy eye raped me, I felt gross. I just felt like a disgusting human being. I would have dreams where he'd try to kiss me, or he'd be really close to me and I'd have to stare at every pore on my face...I felt repulsed and as if this was my fault. Yet, what was even more repulsing was that for the few moments I caught him staring at my breast, I felt good. I felt wanted. I'd never gotten attention like that from a male before and I felt good. Of course right after that good feeling I wanted to puke, but for those two seconds I felt like I wasn't just the fat girl in the corner, I was better, and someone wanted me. I guess being wanted by someone was better than not being wanted at all.
As the weekend continued I began remembering the good feeling I had when the retarded boy looked at me with lust, and the horrible feeling after. I was truly ashamed of myself, and really surprised at how much I longed for male attention. To brighten my mood I decided upon watching The Ugly Truth. When feeling down there's nothing like watching raunchy, sex filled movies, were the word "cock" is basically used as an everyday greeting.
While enjoying my filthy pleasure, I was stricken by Gerard Butler. The dashing, dirty, blue eyed, Scottish man. When I laid my eyes on him I wanted him. I wanted him naked, covered with butter and slamming me against a wall. I wanted him to pin my arms down as he whispered dirty things in my ear in that deep Scottish accent of his. As I rolled my tongue back into my mouth and finished my X-rated fantasy I realized lusting over men I'll never get was dumb. It was fun, oh boy was it fun, but it was dumb. Dreaming of how much I wanted Gerard Butlers "cock" (that ones for you, The Ugly Truth...) wouldn't make me happy. Celebrities, most likely, will always remain just that, celebrities. Until I was a renown actress, my dreams of fucking most of the male celebrity population would have to be put on pause. I needed someone real, and someone fast, before I became anymore desperate. My hope of God dropping an amazing man from the heavens above wasn't practical. If I wanted someone then I had to go out and get them. I'm sure its the way God intended anyways.
While the weekend sally forthed, I saw Avatar. Another nut-busting good movie. If it wasn't past 12 AM I'd give a complete review, but because I' m pressured on time I'll get right down to the point. Playing the main Avatar and solider, Jack Sully, was Sam Worthington. Again I had a "Gerard Butler" moment (which is what I think I'll call it for now on) where I envisioned myself being pleasured by this darling young actor. To make me even more pathetic I even pictured being an avatar myself so I could enjoy the 15 second sex scene with him. Not only did I realize I was lonely, but I also realized I'm extremely horny! A horny, lonely, overweight teenage girl. Really, ya can't get any better than that. There I was in the theater, with my over active imagination producing threesomes with Gerard Butler, Sam Worthington and I. I nearly missed the half the movie, getting hot and bothered over the pretend world at which I live in.
I'm looking at the time in the right hand corner of my screen. It reads: 12:23. I have school tomorrow. I'm not quite sure how to end this post. I usually end with something witty, or thoughtful, but no, today I'll leave you all with the thought of my inactive vagina, my lonely heart, and my overactive imagination, and one word to sum up my weekend: fuck.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
obscurity
When I used to go to church every Sunday I remember always feeling bad because I couldn't focus during the sermons or classes. I would always zone out and at the end feel like a "fake christian". As I think back on it one Sunday in particular lingers in my mind.
The regular pastor was sick, or on vacation, I don't know! But he wasn't there, and we had a guest preacher. He was really into the sermon and yelling more than he probably should have, but as I was zoned out I suddenly came back into contact with the human world and heard him shout about the youth of today. He started to talk about teenagers now a days, waking up purposeless and living day to day with no path or future.
For some reason or another that stuck with me and always stung, and till this day I can still remember the man marching across the stage with his head held high, as if he smelled something bad, and looking directly at me as my mind was somewhere else, and I felt like he was talking solely to me. Maybe its because he was preaching just for me. Maybe he knew something I didn't know at that time, maybe he knew one day I'd become a mindless teen drone whose greatest dream is becoming famous and saying obscure things to a camera, maybe he knew I'd spend my nights up late and sleeping till 3pm, maybe he knew I'd grow up feeling hopeless and confused.
The regular pastor was sick, or on vacation, I don't know! But he wasn't there, and we had a guest preacher. He was really into the sermon and yelling more than he probably should have, but as I was zoned out I suddenly came back into contact with the human world and heard him shout about the youth of today. He started to talk about teenagers now a days, waking up purposeless and living day to day with no path or future.
For some reason or another that stuck with me and always stung, and till this day I can still remember the man marching across the stage with his head held high, as if he smelled something bad, and looking directly at me as my mind was somewhere else, and I felt like he was talking solely to me. Maybe its because he was preaching just for me. Maybe he knew something I didn't know at that time, maybe he knew one day I'd become a mindless teen drone whose greatest dream is becoming famous and saying obscure things to a camera, maybe he knew I'd spend my nights up late and sleeping till 3pm, maybe he knew I'd grow up feeling hopeless and confused.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
"It doesn't hurt me..."
I started the day praying it had snowed that night before, or the street would have frozen over. I turned on my TV awaiting the large SCHOOL DELAYED sign and...nothing. One delay, nowhere near my school. Once I was finished cursing the fates, I got ready for school. But as I was ready to go, my stomach was not.
I felt a rumbling south of my tummy and quickly I ran to the bathroom. Rapidemente! i had diarrhea, which prevented me from going to school and quickly cured up after some pepto bismol and 5 hrs of extra sleep.
And that brings me here. For some reason the song "Running up that hill" by Placebo (Originally by Kate Bush. whose do you prefer?) became stuck in my head. When songs like this begin to play in my head they're usually followed by a playlist of similar songs roughly creating a mood for my entire day. The song made me sad in a way, but not the usual sad. More like an eye opening sad. The type of saddnes I get often, where I think and question everything. Where I'm in awe of people and the universe.
This song reminded me of love. Not just the fact that I'm not in love, but the acknowledgement and amazment that its out there. And the fact that I know its out there, and it makes me excited.
Thats when I started to imagine the different emotions that love can give a person, emotions I'm sure I've never felt before. Not to mention, the song meaning. If I only could, make a deal with God. Get him to swap our places. I understood it to mean that this person you love is going through a horrible time and you want to switch places with them so they can be at peace. I've never felt compelled by another human being to do something like that.
I felt a rumbling south of my tummy and quickly I ran to the bathroom. Rapidemente! i had diarrhea, which prevented me from going to school and quickly cured up after some pepto bismol and 5 hrs of extra sleep.
And that brings me here. For some reason the song "Running up that hill" by Placebo (Originally by Kate Bush. whose do you prefer?) became stuck in my head. When songs like this begin to play in my head they're usually followed by a playlist of similar songs roughly creating a mood for my entire day. The song made me sad in a way, but not the usual sad. More like an eye opening sad. The type of saddnes I get often, where I think and question everything. Where I'm in awe of people and the universe.
This song reminded me of love. Not just the fact that I'm not in love, but the acknowledgement and amazment that its out there. And the fact that I know its out there, and it makes me excited.
Thats when I started to imagine the different emotions that love can give a person, emotions I'm sure I've never felt before. Not to mention, the song meaning. If I only could, make a deal with God. Get him to swap our places. I understood it to mean that this person you love is going through a horrible time and you want to switch places with them so they can be at peace. I've never felt compelled by another human being to do something like that.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
thankful
It's late right now, 1:18. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I probably should be snoozing in my bed, but I am not. I just wanted to make a quick little update. Just a quickie, on basically where I stand in my life. My birthday just so happens to be next Wednesday, and for all you who do not know, I'll be 16. It's crazy because when I looked forward to my 16th birthday it always involved money, cars, flashy parties, celebrities, blah blah blah. But now that I'm here, now that I'm almost the age, that material stuff isn't even important. I don't care what I get for my birthday, its really more about how I've changed and who I choose to spend my time with.
If you've read any of my previous blogs you'd know how alone and sad I've been, for a very long time. And as you read through the older blogs you'll probably notice how immature I used to be, and just how I've grown over the years. These past months I've really matured, and grown as a human being. I've discovered that love is all around me and at this moment in my life I have more love surrounding me than ever before. I'm coming to terms with my past and realizing the possibilities that await me in the future.
I know I complain a lot but I do have a lot to be thankful for and this birthday Isn't what I planned, or what I initially wanted but It's what I need right now and whats best for me. I look forward to what awaits me after December 2nd, after I'm officially 16. How will the slight age difference change me further?
If you've read any of my previous blogs you'd know how alone and sad I've been, for a very long time. And as you read through the older blogs you'll probably notice how immature I used to be, and just how I've grown over the years. These past months I've really matured, and grown as a human being. I've discovered that love is all around me and at this moment in my life I have more love surrounding me than ever before. I'm coming to terms with my past and realizing the possibilities that await me in the future.
I know I complain a lot but I do have a lot to be thankful for and this birthday Isn't what I planned, or what I initially wanted but It's what I need right now and whats best for me. I look forward to what awaits me after December 2nd, after I'm officially 16. How will the slight age difference change me further?
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